STRONG THROUGH THE STORMS

EQUIPPING YOUR FAMILY TO THRIVE THROUGH THE SEASONS OF LIFE

It's Time for Repairs

Pastor Tayo Adeyemi

                                                                  Sunday 29 May 2011

Foundation Scriptures: Matthew 7: 24 - 27

Over the past few weeks we have looked at the foundation, structure and security that keep a house strong through the storms. Last week we zeroed in specifically on extra-marital affairs and looked at eight factors that can make a marriage vulnerable: loneliness, boredom, insecurity, pressures, revenge, lust, emotional detachment and misplaced priorities.

Today I want to conclude this series by talking to you about what to do after an affair has happened. Actually, I want to deal with more than just repairs - I want to look at the issue of affairs from three perspectives: First, what to do if there is no apparent risk of an affair (PREVENTION).  Second, what to do if there is an apparent risk of an affair (CRISIS MANAGEMENT) and third, what to do if an affair has happened (DAMAGE REPAIR).

PREVENTION:  It is important to see an affair as a disease that afflicts a marriage, in the same way as sickness can afflict a person. A person who is strong and healthy has a better chance of fighting off disease; likewise a marriage. If the marriage is strong and healthy, it is less likely that an affair will occur. A healthy person has a better chance of surviving an illness. Likewise, if a marriage is healthy to start with it is more likely to survive an affair. So with that in mind, let’s look at five things you can do to prevent an affair:

Establish the Priorities: If you fail to make your spouse your number one priority you leave yourself wide open for temptation. Don’t be satisfied with a marriage that is just ‘okay’. Be determined that your marriage will be strong and vibrant and never be complacent. Don’t settle for anything less than excellence in your marriage.

Abolish the Risks: Every marriage is at risk of breaking down. Be acutely aware of your own personal weaknesses; and do everything you can to protect yourself against them. Also, remember that what was not a risk at one stage of marriage can become a risk at a later stage. There is no guarantee that a couple who have a great marriage after five years will still have a great marriage at twenty years. Things change, and so do people. As a marriage progresses, new weakness may develop and new risks may surface therefore identify the risk factors and do your best to minimise them.

Demolish the Lies: We are constantly surrounded by lies about marriage and about infidelity. On television and in movies marriages are portrayed as boring, dead-end relationships in which the sex is dull and passionless. In contrast, affairs are portrayed as exciting, stimulating and rejuvenating in which the sex is portrayed as steamy and passionate. You need to recognise this media propaganda for what it really is – a lie. Yes, there are some dull marriages, but there are many more that are exciting and fulfilling. Likewise, there are many terrible affairs where both parties feel trapped and guilt ridden.

Diminish the Weaknesses: Every chain is as strong as its weakest link. Likewise, every marriage is as strong as its weakest aspect. Any weakness in a marriage presents an opportunity for an affair to develop. An affair can develop in marriages that are generally in good condition, even in marriages that are considered strong. At least once a year, create time to locate the weak areas of your marriage and determine to do something about it. Let’s look at some symptoms of a weak marriage. Although most marriages will experience some of these symptoms from time to time, if a good number of them occur frequently, then you know something’s not right: (i) You don’t want to spend time with your spouse; (ii) You constantly have regrets about marrying them; (iii) You constantly think or use hard words about your spouse and say negative things about them; (iv) You are enduring rather than enjoying your marriage; (v) You can’t remember the last time you laughed together; (vi) You keep secrets from each other; (vii) The only physical contact you have is when you both want sex; (viii) you rarely give or receive compliments to each other.

Admonish Yourself:  Make yourself accountable by putting yourself in a position where you can be asked questions about what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. There are four levels of accountability: (i) accountability to yourself - continuously examine your actions and your motives (ii) accountability to your spouse - always tell each other the truth and refuse to keep secrets from each other; (iii) accountability to someone else  - another married person of the same sex who you will give the permission to ask you or challenge you about anything and to whom you will be absolutely honest; (iv) accountability to God - recognise that God sees you and sees through you. He sees everything you do in secret and knows your deepest motives.

If you can take these preventive measures, the risk of an affair will be greatly reduced in your marriage. But, what if the risks are already there and one of you is on the brink of having an affair? You must enter into CRISIS MANAGEMENT. I will look at this from two angles: First, if you are the one who is on the brink of an affair and second, if your spouse is the one on the brink of an affair. If you are the one who is about to have an affair, there are four things you need to consider:

Reflect on the Consequences: Life is about cause and effect. Every action has consequences. God has given you free will and will not take from you the power to make your own choices. But likewise, He will not protect you from the consequences of your choices.  The devil never discloses the consequences of what he is telling you to do and only shows the benefits and pleasures involved. I suggest therefore that you evaluate all the things you stand to gain by having an affair against all that you stand to lose. When you write the gains, ask yourself “Are all these gains guaranteed?”  Consider the impact on family and friends, the emotional costs, the financial costs, the damage to your reputation and then pause and honest ask yourself, “Is it really worth it?”

Resist the temptation: Adultery always begins in the head and ends up in the bed. If you can deal with it while it is still in the head, then you won’t have to deal with it in the bed. The best place to resist temptation is when it is knocking at the door of your mind. Cast down those imaginations and say “Get thee behind me Satan!”

Run from the Danger: Most temptations are geographical. It may be a pub or a friend’s house or a hotel or an office; one of the quickest ways to overcome temptation is to avoid that location. If you find yourself there, don’t overestimate your ability to resist, don’t underestimate the power of sin to overwhelm you; just run.

Remember the Vows: You made a solemn covenant agreement with another person and to break that promise is a very serious thing, especially if you made the promise before God. Promises are meant to be kept.

Now, what if you’re not the one who is on the brink of an affair, but you have reason to believe that your spouse is about to do so? I want to suggest four things:

Determine not to Make Things Worse - To start with, don’t panic or fly into a fit of rage. Granted, you are upset and you feel hard done by; and rightly so.  But be clear about this – your angry reaction is likely to only make things worse.

Discern the Situation: Try to understand exactly what you’re dealing with; this is half way towards solving it. Find out what is driving your spouse. Is there any part you might have played to contribute to the situation? Is there anything you can do to avert the situation? You may well be able to save your marriage by making a few adjustments on your part. However, refuse to assume 100% of the blame, even if your spouse blames you.

Discuss with Your Spouse: See if you can talk things through. This must genuinely be a two way communication rather than one person is pointing fingers or justifying themselves. If there is too much hurt or anger for a reasonable discussion then bring in a third party – a leader in church or a spiritually mature couple.

Deposit it at God’s Feet: Never underestimate the power of prayer in situations like this but be careful that you are not praying manipulative, witchcraft prayers. Your prayers should be for God touch your spouse’s heart and reveal the truth to them and for you to receive wisdom, direction, peace and patience.

We have looked at prevention and crisis management but what if an affair has already happened? This is when you have to do DAMAGE REPAIR.  An affair does not have to be the deathblow to a marriage. As devastating as an affair can be, it is not the end – there is still hope. So, no matter how hurt or angry you feel, don’t make any drastic decisions. Give yourself time and seek counsel. Of course, if the marriage was strong to start with, the chances of recovery and restoration are considerably higher.

Although some people will argue that Jesus said if your spouse commits adultery, you can divorce them Jesus did not say sexual immorality must automatically end in divorce. Also, when a woman who was caught in adultery was brought to Jesus in John 8, He forgave her and gave her a second chance.

When an affair has occurred, there are two key ingredients necessary for effective repair: Repentance and Forgiveness.

Repentance: For there to be any kind of repair following an affair, the person who cheated must be genuinely repentant. Now, repentance is not the same as regret or remorse. True repentance is more than that. Repentance consists of a change of mind, a change of heart and a change of behaviour. Like the story of the prodigal son, the offending spouse (or you might say prodigal spouse), turns from their wayward lifestyle, returns home, acknowledges the pain they have caused and asks for a chance to start all over again. They shut the door on the past and leave no room whatsoever to return to that life again.

Forgiveness: Perhaps the most difficult thing to forgive is when someone you love and trust betrays you with an adulterous affair. Yet, if you must heal and if the marriage must heal, you must forgive. Forgiveness is primarily a decision; not an emotion; it does not always happen in an instant; and it is not the same as forgetting. However, forgiveness must not be manipulative - you should not continue to hold their sin over their head like Damocles’ sword.

One final thing about damage repair: Remember that repair takes time, so be patient. There are at least three stages in the repair process: The anger stage, the acceptance stage and the restoration stage. In reality, you may still be dealing with repair after two or three years. The offended spouse will do irrational things or make unreasonable demands sometimes. Remember, they are hurting; and you have no right to tell anyone how to or how not to hurt. Be patient and be gentle with each other. Above all, remember that an affair is a serious blow to a marriage, so don’t try to fix it yourself. Call for help. Involve the leadership or people who are more mature than you.

In this series, we have talked about foundation, structure, security and repair - four key ingredients that will keep your house strong through the storms. Remember that storms come and storms go. That’s the reality of life – no storm lasts forever. So the big question is not “Will you go through a storm?” The big question is “Will you be standing when the storm is over?”