STRONG THROUGH THE STORMS

EQUIPPING YOUR FAMILY TO THRIVE THROUGH THE SEASONS OF LIFE

Is Your House Secure?

Pastor Tayo Adeyemi

                                                                  Sunday 22 May 2011

Foundation Scriptures: Matthew 7: 24 - 27

Today we are continuing with our Family Convention theme, Strong Through the Storms, designed to equip our families to thrive through the seasons of life. Last week we looked at different aspects of a good home structure and also our building materials and agreed that most families build with a combination of good quality materials (things that impact our spouses positively and strengthen our marriages) and cheap, inferior materials (things that impact our spouses negatively and weaken our marriages), and we challenged ourselves to reduce the cheap materials until they are completely eliminated.  Now so far, we have considered foundations and structures which help our homes to remain strong through the seasons. Today, I want us to turn our attention to another key ingredient that makes a house strong, the security system.

Every house needs a good security system and the more valuable your house and its contents, the more ready you are to invest in security, because there are people who have made it their assignment to break into your home and help themselves to what belongs to you. We call them thieves. Jesus spoke about thieves noting that they never come at an hour that you expect (Matthew 24: 43); they seldom come in through the front door  the preferred approach being indirect (John 10:1) and their intention is to cause devastation (John 10: 10).

Now, I want to talk to you about how to secure your marriage against one particular kind of thief that has wrecked many marriages: extra marital affairs. Now, before you switch off, thinking that this does not apply to you, or if you think infidelity is something that could never happen in your marriage, get real! Whether you are married or currently single, in today’s society, extra marital affairs pose a real threat to any marriage. No marriage is immune from the storms of life, including the storm of infidelity. You need to build your marriage with the storm of infidelity in mind. I’m not encouraging you to live in fear; I’m simply asking you to fortify your home and beef up your security. So today, I am going to put some keys in your hand that will help you protect your marriage from an affair.

But first let us try to understand exactly what an affair is. We all know what an affair is, don’t we? Or do we? So, let’s define an affair: An affair is an illicit intimate relationship between two people who are not married to each other. If you understand that marriage is more than just a physical or sexual union, then it puts things in perspective. Sexual union is just one aspect of marriage. The marriage union also includes emotional, psychological, social and spiritual bonds. Now with this perspective, you will understand that it is actually possible to have an affair without having sex with another person. There are two kinds of affairs: The adulterous affair and non-adulterous affair. This adulterous affair is one in which sexual activity has occurred. It is the more common and more obvious kind of affair. The non-adulterous affair is one in which the exclusivity of the marriage union has been breached; the emotional, psychological, social and spiritual bonds stipulated in your marriage have been broken because those bonds have now been formed with another person. The non-adulterous affair is more difficult to define and is less drastic in impact; but nonetheless, it is just as devastating to a marriage.

Now, here’s a very important truth about affairs: they do not just happen. Nobody just suddenly finds themselves in the middle of an affair. There are some pre-disposing factors.  Long before you go somewhere with your body, you have been there in your mind. In fact, I am firmly convinced that sexual immorality is usually the culmination of a long spiritual, mental and emotional journey, whether you are single or married.  So let us look at some of those factors that predispose a person to having an affair. I will start with the five ‘smaller’ ones and conclude with the three ‘big’ ones.

Loneliness: This is the feeling that you do not matter to anyone, feeling insignificant, isolated and alone and the feeling of lacking companionship and support.  The urge to overcome loneliness can drive a married person to have an affair; as it can drive a single person to get sexually involved before marriage. Loneliness can be both physical and psychological. Physical loneliness is the more obvious and more common type. Here, the level of physical contact in the marriage is inadequate.  In psychological loneliness, there is a physical presence, but an emotional absence. Loneliness can become a very powerful pressure for an affair. If you don’t deal with the root cause, it can become fertile soil for an affair to blossom.

Boredom:  This is a state of dullness or tiresome repetitive routine. This can be within the marriage itself or in other areas of life, especially work. An affair can offer a promising escape from the mindless routine of purposeless existence. The excitement and change of pace that it offers can be seen as an adventure or even a challenge.  But the truth is, like any other stimulant, there is a heavy price to pay.

Insecurity: Insecurity is a lack of confidence, assurance or self esteem. An insecure person can be tempted to have an affair just to prove that they are still attractive and desirable (in the case of women); or that they still have their ‘mojo’ (in the case of men).  People who have an affair because of their insecurity or mid life crisis simply want to prove a point, however the trouble is, by the time the point has been proven, the damage has also been done.

Pressures: Sometimes an affair provides the perfect escape and diversion from the pressures of life. The pressures may be within the marriage itself or in other aspects of life such as health problems, financial difficulties, failure in business, difficulties with conception or even when a baby is on the way or a new born baby - the list goes on. The pressures are legitimate, but the solution is not. If you’re dealing with pressure, turn to God for help.

Revenge: Some people have an affair to get back at their spouse for first cheating on them or for being too jealous, controlling or abusive. However, two wrongs do not make a right and also, remember that when you cheat on your spouse, you are also hurting yourself. You deserve better than that. Whatever the reason is, no reason is good enough for you to hurt yourself that way.

Now, let’s look at the following three big predisposing factors to adultery:

Lust:  Lust is defined as illicit or uncontrolled sexual desire; intense sexual desire for what is not legitimately yours. This is clearly distinct from sexual desire for your spouse. Lust starts from within, but it is stirred up and fed from without. If you can control your lust, even if you had to deal with any of the five predisposing factors I have mentioned, you will not have an affair. We are constantly surrounded by sexual images and innuendos all day long. Add to this the very easy access to sexually explicit material, and a person who is struggling with lust is ripe for the picking. If you have a problem with lust, you need to deal with it. Otherwise, it will destroy, not just your marriage, but other aspects of your life. How do you deal with lust? Very simple, stop feeding it.  When a person is struggling with lust, adultery is usually not their first line of action; that comes further down the line. Usually, they start by finding other ‘less harmful’ ways to feed the lust – pornography, flirting and fantasising.  But the problem with lust is that it is never satisfied. So, the more you feed it, the bigger it gets and the more it wants.

Now, let me deal with pornography for a moment. If you view pornography on a regular basis (and by regular, I mean even a few minutes per week), you are destroying your marriage. Regular users of pornography eventually regard their spouses as less attractive. And over time, they begin to prefer masturbation over sex as a means of sexual fulfilment.  They push their spouses to be more and more sexually ‘creative’ and or sexually appealing. Spouses of regular pornography users generally feel unimportant, ignored, humiliated and angry. And although people who use pornography usually have an arsenal of arguments to defend their position, allow me to make clear that not every guy does it, pornography is not normal, and it is a problem – there is no such thing as harmless pornography. Pornography is very addictive, and just like alcohol and drugs, you’re never a good judge of when you have lost control. 

If you have a pornography habit, you need to admit that you have a problem with lust, and you need help. Secondly, withdraw all the excuses and thereby, demolish the strongholds. Thirdly, go to God in prayer and ask Him to help you. Fourthly, talk to someone about it. The greatest power of pornography is secrecy. Once you expose it, you take away its power and break its hold over your life. Also, make yourself accountable. Involve others in the battle – don’t fight alone. 

Emotional Detachment: One of the most subtle and dangerous factors that predispose to an affair is emotional detachment. A couple begins to drift apart and gradually they feel less and less connected to each other. It can start with legitimate reasons, such as work, raising children and even church. But gradually, they discover they are actually living two separate lives. At first glance, an emotionally detached couple looks okay. They might be great parents together; observers assume that they have a very strong marriage. They don’t fight, they don’t disrespect each other; in fact they don’t particularly have negative feelings towards each other. And that is actually part of the problem. They can’t even be bothered to any feelings any more – positive or negative. They just don’t have the energy for it. They’re not miserably unhappy, but they’re not happy either. Sex is either non-existent or a very, very rare occurrence. Gradually, each of them begins to find the comfort, companionship and passion they used to enjoy from each other in other places. And that is the beginning of trouble. If you find that you are emotionally detached as a couple, you both need to work hard (and yes, it is hard work) on reconnecting. How do you do this? By focussing on four levels of connection: (i) talk (ii) touch (iii) time and (iv) thoughts. Whereas lust is predominantly a male issue, emotional detachment drives both men and women to have an affair.

Misplaced Priorities: When you get married, your spouse becomes your number one priority. After God, your spouse comes first. Nothing and no one is supposed to come before your spouse. Whenever your spouse comes second to anyone or anything else in your life, you have got the order very wrong and you open the door for one of you to become vulnerable to the temptation of an extramarital affair. If your spouse is number two, they can also easily become number three or four or five. If they are already less important than your siblings, they can as well become less important than your good looking, caring, work colleague. The tendency to cheat is intensified. In their mind, if they’re not your number one, they see no reason why you should remain their number one. The tendency to cheat is intensified.

What’s the message here? Make sure your spouse is your number one priority. Make sure you know it, make sure your spouse knows it and make sure everybody else knows it. How do you know who your number one priority is? Consider the following pointers: (i) Time: Who do you spend most of your free time with; or who do you want to spend most of your free time with?  (ii) Communication: Who do you communicate with the most – either face to face, phone, text or email? (iii) Information: Who do you share information with first?  (iv) Opinions: Whose opinion do you value the most?  (v) Decisions: Who influences your decisions the most?  (vi) Celebration: Who do you celebrate the most? (vii) Shared Experiences: With whom do you have the most shared experiences? Who do you wish went with you to that restaurant, to see that movie, on that exotic holiday? (If you’re a single person, you will find these questions useful in helping you clarify your feelings about a person you like or a person who likes you.)

You now have in your hands eight ways to make your house more secure and to fortify your house against the storms of life and the thief who comes to steal, kill and destroy. Whether you are married or single, this is information you can use to build a strong and secure house. Now go and use it.