STRONG THROUGH THE STORMS

EQUIPPING YOUR FAMILY TO THRIVE THROUGH THE SEASONS OF LIFE

How Are You Building?

Pastor Tayo Adeyemi

                                                                  Sunday 15 May 2011

Foundation Scriptures: Matthew 7: 24 - 27

We are continuing to equip our families to thrive through the seasons of life as part of 2011 Family Convention, the theme of which is Strong through the Storms. Before we go on however, let’s quickly recap what we learned last week: You will remember that we learned that storms are an inevitable aspect of life and that they will come whether we want them or not. We considered five foundational truths to help us stay strong through the storms namely: (i) Building a family is like building a house: Like a good house, a good family does not just happen - it has to be built; (ii) For a house to be strong, it must be built for strength - We can either build for beauty or we can build for strength. The wise always build for strength; (iii) Every family will face storms - we defined a storm as a sudden attack on a secure position; (iv) You must build with the storms in mind - in other words, hope for the good days, but build for the bad days. This will depend, not so much on what you are building, but what you are building on; (v) The strength of every house begins from its foundation - the stronger the foundation, the greater the house will be, and the longer it will last.

We learned that, if we have been building on a weak foundation, we can always strengthen it and we looked at the four elements of a strong foundation, which were obedience, prayer and vigilance, openness and honesty and celebration and honour. We concluded last week by reminding ourselves that if we wait till a storm comes before we start building a strong foundation, we have waited too late.

HOW ARE YOU BUILDING?

Now today, we’re going to take this truth one step further. We have looked at the foundation, now we want to look at what you build on the foundation – we want to look at the structure. In 1 Corinthians 3: 9-14 we understand that we are ‘God’s building’ and we are instructed ‘let each one take heed how he builds on it’. As we learned last week, it is important to have a strong foundation. But there is more to a house than just the foundation. After the foundation has been laid, you have to build on it. What you build on it is called a superstructure or simply a structure. In this passage, Paul makes it clear that, yes the foundation is important; but what you build on it and how you build are also very important.

After the foundation, the strength of your house will be determined by two key things: The kind of structure that you build and the kind of materials with which you build. In The Message Bible translation of 1 Corinthians 3: 9-14 we are told to ‘Take particular care in picking out your building materials. Eventually there is going to be an inspection. If you use cheap or inferior materials, you'll be found out. The inspection will be thorough and rigorous.’

BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT YOUR STRUCTURE

Looking firstly at structure, I have come to understand that the trouble with many marriages and families is that there is no structure. We are so eager to build, that we are not paying attention to what we’re building or how we’re building and therefore we just let things unfold in a random fashion. However the truth is that nothing ever gets better when it is left to its own devices. It is called the law of entropy. Improvement is not a natural phenomenon. When things are left to go their own way, the natural order is that they will get worse. Things generally do not get better of their own accord. They get worse unless there is intervention from higher quarters. This is true of your marriage, it is true of your family, it is true of business, it is true of ministry, it is true of finances, it is true of your bedroom, it is true of your car, and it is true of your handbag! The truth is your marriage is not going to be strong by default and so I pose this question: ‘When was the last time you did something deliberate to make your marriage stronger or better?’

I believe that everything in life operates on the principle of structure and flow. Many times, we are not experiencing the flow that we desire because we have not built the adequate structure. If there is no flow of love, joy or peace in your home, is it possible that it is because you neglected to built the necessary structure? There is an atmosphere that enhances peace or joy or intimacy in a home and if you don’t create that atmosphere, those things will not flow, no matter how much you desire them. For example, if I build a house, and I want electricity to flow in that house, I must put in the proper wiring. That’s my structure. If my wiring is faulty, there will be no flow. If I try to pass electricity through faulty wiring, I may set the house on fire and destroy it.

So, here’s the key: Be intentional about your structure. The way you build a school is different from the way you build a hospital. The way you build a hotel is different from the way you build a grocery store. They are designed differently, they are constructed differently and they are fitted out differently. But it all begins with intentionality. I encourage you to get out your pen and notebook and start designing the kind of marriage that you want to build. Start with a simple question: “If our friends were interviewed, and they were asked to describe our marriage, what are the top five words we would want all of them to use?”That is the beginning of your structure. Another question: “What is God’s intention for this marriage? What will make this marriage become well pleasing to God?” Another question: “What do we want this family to be known for?” You can come up with your own questions, the answers to which will help you design the structure of your marriage.

Now, these are the broad headline questions. But you can take this one step further and ask yourself what I call the nitty-gritty questions such as: “What are the walls of this family like? What are the doors like, the windows, the plumbing system, the electrical system etc?”

Walls speak of the fixed, immovable points; boundaries that must not be crossed and limits that must not be exceeded. In a house there are both structural and non-structural walls. So, what are the immovable, non-negotiable aspects of your marriage and family life? In Proverbs 22:28 we are instructed not to remove the ‘ancient landmarks’ or the ‘boundary lines’ (MSG)

Doors are points of entry and exit; the point through which traffic comes in and out of your house. Doors help you keep certain things in and keep certain things out. Do you have doors in your marriage? Do you have a point through which you get some things or some people to exit? Do you have a system of keeping certain things in the family; or does the whole world know your business? Do you have a system for keeping certain things out; or does anything go in your house?

Windows are points through which you let light and air in. They are points through which you can look beyond your own world. Does your family structure allow for learning and growing?

Plumbing brings clean fresh water in and removes dirty water and other waste. Is there a system in place for flushing out the negative things in your family? Is there room for forgiveness? Is there a system for bringing in things that refresh you and quench your thirst?

Electrical system is what conducts power into your house. Is there a system for bringing God’s power into your lives?

WHAT ARE YOU BUILDING WITH?

Having established how important structure is, let’s look at materials:

It is not enough to have a strong structure; you must also build with strong building materials. In 1 Corinthians 3:12, Paul says on one hand, you can either build with gold, silver and precious stones; or on the other hand, you can build with wood, hay and straw. He said sooner or later, what you build will be tested by fire; or in the context of this series, by a storm.

You see, cheap and inferior materials are easy to come by, and they don’t cost much. And for a long time you can get away with them. But eventually, they will show you up – when the storm arrives. So the question now goes beyond “What kind of structure am I building?” It now includes “With what kinds of materials am I building?”

Now, to be honest with you, I have never come across any couple that builds only with cheap, inferior materials. Nor have I come across a couple that builds with only good quality materials. In most marriages, it’s usually a mixture. The marriage is very strong in some areas and very weak in other areas. So, that’s good news. If you look closely, there are some good quality materials in your structure. Now, your aim is to make sure that you have a very high percentage of good quality materials to start with. Then you can begin to replace the cheap materials until they are completely eliminated.  How do you achieve this? Just ask yourself two very simple questions: (i) ‘What are the things we do, which strengthen this marriage?’ and (ii) ‘What are the things we do, which weaken this marriage?’

To answer those questions, ask another two simple questions: Firstly, ‘What are the things that I do (forget about your spouse for a moment; let’s focus on you for now), which impact my spouse in a positive way?’ ‘What are the things that you do that make your spouse happy, that encourage them, build them up, strengthen their self esteem, make them feel valued, make them feel loved? Those are the things that strengthen your marriage.  Secondly, ‘what are the things that I do, which impact my spouse in a negative way? What are the things that upset them, undermine them, frustrate them?’

Now, if you look very closely, you will find that the answers to both questions are usually a very short list – only a handful of items in both cases. If you have been paying attention, you will find that the things which your spouse complains about are usually the same things over and over again. Somebody once said that most couples don’t have hundreds of arguments; they simply have the same argument hundreds of times. And truth be told, they are things you can do something about, if you really put your mind to it. But the trouble is you have concluded that those things may be important to your spouse, but they are not important to you. Well, the next time you think like that, just know to stop blaming the devil for the problems in your home and know that the power to strengthen or weaken your marriage is in your hands.

 “Pastor Tayo, are you saying I am solely responsible for all the problems in my marriage?” No; your spouse has their part too. And then of course, there are the external forces – those things we called storms last week. But if you do what you can to strengthen your marriage, the marriage has better chances of standing strong when the storms come. It’s really that simple. So, if you want to stay strong through the storms, take a good look at the materials you’re building with. So I challenge you to go and increase the things that strengthen your marriage and eliminate the things that weaken your marriage and be equipped to be strong through the storms!