ARTICLES
DATE:
21 September 2003
SPEAKER:
Pastor Tayo Adeyemi
TITLE:
How did I become like this?
TEXT:
Proverbs 18:24, 23:7, Gal 6:7
Are there factors that contribute to the forming or shaping of attitude? In short, HOW DID I BECOME LIKE THIS?
In order to answer these questions, we must first establish Three Foundational Truths
1. Attitude is developed. Nobody is born with a good or bad attitude.
2. Attitude is a choice. You cannot be forced to have any particular attitude. Nobody forces you to think, feel or behave the way you do - it's your choice. Victor Frankl said: "The last of the human freedom's is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances". The circumstances, you don't choose - but your attitude you choose.
3. Attitudes are not formed automatically or at random. Attitudes are not shaped in a vacuum. There are factors that contribute to the shaping of attitude.
Before we explore the factors that shape our attitudes, let us establish two other pivotal truths.
1. We are products of environment.
The people and the things around us contribute immensely to the kind of person we become. If you are constantly surrounded by negative people, who think and talk negatively, you have to work extra hard to remain positive.
You cannot soar with eagles if you live among turkeys. Turkey thinking + turkey talking = turkey walking. The children of Israel all developed an attitude of ingratitude because ten spies came back with a negative report.
2. We are products of choice:
Even though the environment exerts its forces on us, who we become is ultimately our own decision. In the midst of the negative attitude of 3 million Israelites, Joshua and Caleb chose to be different - Numbers 14:24. Now how do these two factors relate to the shaping of attitude?
In early life, attitude is influenced more by environment. You don't choose your family, your physical environment or the people who have dominant influence on you. People make choices for you that you have no control over.
But as your age increases, so do your options You don't have to die in the place where you were born You can control peoples influence over you You make more choices for yourself than others make for you.
So, in early life, environment is the more dominant factor in shaping attitude, but in the adult years, choice takes over as the more dominant factor. ANYONE ABOVE 40 IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR FACE. Now and again, you will see an exception to this general rule. You will find a seven year old who begins to take control of his own destiny.
Also you find adults who refuse to grow up, and as such remain victims of their environment. Jesus grew up in a stigmatised environment - Nazareth, but by his choices he changed the story. Till today, we call Him Jesus of Nazareth.
FIVE BASIC PRINCIPLES OF ATTITUDE FORMATION
1. There is no such thing as a perfect attitude
If your attitude is not 100%, don't knock yourself - you can improve on it. If your attitude is very good, don't be complacent - there is room for improvement. Everybody's attitude can be improved upon.
2. The early years are the most important for instilling the right attitudes.
Child psychologists tell us that creating a positive environment for a child's early development is the most important singular factor in determining the child's future success. They also tell us that a child is set in his ways by age 4.
The abilities we adopt as children are usually the ones we carry into adult life - Proverbs 22:6 The things we learn at an early age have a tendency to hang on tenaciously. Even when we know they are wrong and desire to change.
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilty
But if a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns self-confidence
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world
3. Attitude development never stops
Attitudes may be formed in childhood, but they are reinforced by our experiences and how we choose to respond (or react) to them. For this reason, attitude can be changed - as there is no such thing as a flawless attitude, there is also no such thing as a permanent attitude. A little girl was asked by her Sunday school teacher " who made you?" She answered; "God made part of me". "What do you mean God made par if you?" the teacher reported. "Well, God made me real little and I just growed the rest myself". - How true! We all "growed" the rest ourselves.
4. Any attitude that is reinforced becomes stronger.
The more your attitude grows on the same foundation, the more solid it becomes. Whether positive or negative, if you reinforce your attitude, it becomes stronger.
How do you reinforce our attitudes? By making excuses, by using the same tactics to win arguments over and over again, by developing defence mechanisms and escape mechanisms. For example, some people shut down mentally the moment you start to correct them. Others develop all kinds of manipulative mechanisms for having their way e.g. sulking, pouting, throwing tantrums, crying, drawing attention to a particular traumatic incident or present handicap etc However your attitude is reinforced, it will get stronger. And if it is a negative attitude, it becomes more difficult to change - eventually it becomes a stronghold. Whatever gets rewarded gets repeated.
5. Different people contribute to the formation of your attitude.
Like a house is built by the contribution of various specialist - masons, plumbers, joiners, electricians etc; so our attitude is shaped by the involvement of various people - your parents, teachers, peers etc. These people may be involved for a very short time, and their contributions may be minimal, but it all becomes part of the big picture. Some people's contribution has helped - other people's contribution has caused damage.
SIX FACTORS THAT SHAPE ATTITUDE
1. Personality:Everyone is created as a unique individual with their own set of peculiarities. Even twins (identical twins too) who are raised with the same training and in the same environment, turn out to be different. Some personality types are more likely to embrace a particular set of attitudes - for example, a sanguine person generally tends to have a positive outlook on life, while a melancholy tends to be negative. However, every temperament can be brought under the control of the Holy Spirit.
2. Environment:
Environment is the first influence of our belief system - we pick up our philosophies, interests, priorities and attitudes from those closest to us. People generally grow to the level that their environment allows them. Children who grow up in the slums and ghettos have a tendency to think, talk, dress and walk in a particular fashion.
3. Words:
Words have a greater impact on us than most of us would care to admit - especially when they are the words of people that we love or respect - words are meaningless until they appear in a context. The same words coming from two different people are not received in the same way. The same words phrased differently and said with a different tone of voice, are not received in the same way. The same words coming from the same person under different circumstances have different sets of impact. We are all positively influenced by the words of affirmation and acceptance that people speak to us - this is especially so in children. Children very often see themselves the way their parents see them or the way they think their parents see them. This is why you must never assume that children know how you feel about them. Spare no effort, spare no expense in communicating your love, acceptance and affirmation to children.
4. Self Image
It is impossible to perform consistently in a manner that is inconsistent with the way we see ourselves - proverbs 23:7 We generally tend to act in response to our self image - our performance is based on our perception of ourselves. The ten spies who said "we are not ale……." Also said "we were like grasshoppers in our own eyes" - Numbers 13:31, 33 Jeremiah said "I cannot speak because I am a child" - Jeremiah 1:6 Self image is sometimes affected by physical appearance.
5. Experiences
We are the sum total of all the positive and negative experiences we have had. Sometimes life knock so hard that we develop a system of beliefs and attitudes to insulate ourselves from the pain that life brings. We tend not to trust people, we clam up because we are afraid of becoming vulnerable or hurt again. We become deceptive, defensive, suspicious and sometimes aggressive. We build barriers, so that people who genuinely want to help cannot come close. This is why it is important to receive God's healing from all our painful experiences. We need to lay some things down and bring closure to some matters. Some doors need to be shut forever!
6. Peer Influence
People usually respond to the expectation of others. This is true for adults also, but much more so for children and young people. A lack of acceptance from peers can create deep wounds and scars within children and youngsters and they will go to ridiculous extents to be accepted. This is why parents must help their children form their identity long before they go to school. Before the kids in school give your child a nickname, you give them a nickname that represents something positive and check with them what their friends call them and why. Also make it your duty to know all the close friends of your kids. Bring them to your home and watch them in their natural milieu. Charles "Tremendous" Jones said "you will be exactly the same person in five years except for the books you read and the people you associate with". If your close friend has a perpetual attitude problem, challenge to review their attitude or review your friendship with them.
SIX DANGERS OF NEGATIVE ATTITUDE
1. Negative attitude creates shadows of doubtPeople with a negative attitude seldom expect good things to come their way. They always embrace the worst possible outcome - and their attitude becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Remember, without faith it is impossible to please God.
2. Negative attitude blows problems out of proportion.
Some people make a drama out of every situation - they treat a drop from a leaking roof like a hurricane. Rather than see the solution in every problem, they see the problem in every solution - so, on the best days, they're still very miserable.
3. Negative attitude prevents us from enjoying life
1 Timothy 6:17 says God gives us all thing to enjoy. People with a negative attitude are so focussed on the things that are going wrong or could be going wrong that they never really enjoy the good things of life which God has given them. Chisolm said: " Any time things appear to be getting better, you have overlooked something"
4. Negative attitude adversely affects the people around you.
A person with a negative attitude makes everyone around them miserable. Misery, as they say, loves company. But more than that, negative attitude is contagious - like the cold. Even the answer to a question depends on how you ask it. A psychology student decided to test this theory on his mates. He volunteered to pass out the apples to his mates while they were on a queue for their meal. He went down the first queue and asked "you don't want apples, do you?" 90% of the students answered "no". Down the second queue, he asked "you do want apples don't you?" about 50% said "yes". On the third queue he asked "One apple or two?" and despite the fact that most of the students don't like the apples, 40% took two, 50% took one. Only 10% declined. It's all in the attitude.
5. Negative attitude limits God's power in your life.
The majority of the children of Israel who left Egypt did not get to the promised land, not because God could not lake them there, but because of their negative attitude - Numbers 14: 26-29.
6. Negative attitude hinders your intimacy with God
God keeps a distance between Himself and people with a negative attitude - negative attitude and faith are opposites and without faith it is impossible to please God. Cain was rejected primarily because of his negative attitude - Genesis 4:6-7 Eli's household was destroyed because of his negative attitude - 1 Samuel 3:18. He had a "whatever" attitude. Never shrug your shoulders at God.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS THIS:
You are not stuck with your negative attitude - you can change, beginning from today!
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